What's thick, long, hard, and has cum in it?
Cucumber. Lol. I love the way you think.
What do you call a dog without legs?
Nothing, it won't come either way.
My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.
What was the last thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Lololol get it? They fell from like 100 feet.
Do you know Warrior Cats?
I heard Hawkfrost is cold.
What is Jesus's favorite exercise?
Cross Fit.
When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”
In life you either yeet or get yeeten, or you beat or get beaten.
I guess I failed.
What do you call a man shopping? A half-grown carton of cheese.
Hahahahahahhah my nan died :)
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you
For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.
What's the song that plays at the very end of the movie, Dr. Strangecow, during the montage of nuclear blasts?
"Veal meat again, don't know where, don't know when..."
How does a cow introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
Three guys walk into a bar: one Asian, one American, one Black.
A girl walks in and says if all three of your D*** sizes don't add up to 12 inches, I will shoot you.
First comes the American with 3 inches, then the Black man with 8.
It totals out to 11 and they look at the Asian and say "Oh no."
He comes to 1 inch to top off the twelve.
She walks away and says ok.
The Asian says, "You're lucky she was hot, so I had a boner!"
My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...
Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...
I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.
Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.
Wood-fired pizza.
How would pizza get a job now?
Mom: I apologize, Sam, for being so mean to you. <3
Sam: Thank you, Mother, for your apology.
Mom: jk
