Worst Jokes Ever
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
What is big and stupid?
The Titanic.
What's the difference Michael Jackson and a play station have in common...
They're both plastic and kids turn them on.
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?
A dog gets adopted.
Which company likes Jesus the most?
IHS Markit!
You're so poor you wash paper plates.
Why did Mom cross the road?
To kill you!
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don’t work. 😂😂
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business.
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
Yo mama so skinny, she choked on a SINGLE STRAND OF SPAGHETTI!
What do you get when a dinosaur farts?
A blast from the past!
What did one sea say to the other sea? Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call seagulls that fly over a bay? Bay-gulls.
Why was the sea sad? Because it was blue.
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?