Worst Jokes Ever

A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asked what that was for.

"It is for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.

Can February march?

No, but April may.

What snack do aliens like?

Mars Bars.

Why can't orphans go to parents' evening? Because their parents left them.

What's fun to search for in investigation?

The Milky Way!

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.

Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)

Your momma's so dumb, she took her driving lesson on a dinosaur.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

Why don't lesbians like dick? Because they don't want their mouths looking like Jesus Christ's hands.

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get out of me.

Butt plug, oh butt plug, get in my mouth, oh how I wanna taste you.

Oh, butt plug, oh butt plug, something is nutty.

Your forehead is like my dad.

Non-existent.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

What's the difference between an erection and Edward Holland? Nothing, they're both dicks.

Yo mama is so stupid, when she took a trip to Disneyland and a sign on the highway said “Disney left,” she went home.

Why do Christmas trees like wheelchairs? Because they have kids.

Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her age, and she died.