What do you call an octopus on land?
A spider, duh!
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
People are like sharks; only the great ones are white.
A depressed kid tried to give a tree a high-five, but the tree left him hanging.
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
What kind or file turns a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.
Yes (DYM 66).
Imagine not having a dad
What's pink and fluffy, pink fluff What's pink and rusty, Madeline McCann's bike
Your mama is so fat, One Punch Man had to punch twice.
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: Impatient feminist.
Friend: Impati--
Me: Why don't we have equal pay YETTTTTTT?
Me: Mrs., can I read my book?
Teacher: Sure.
Me: *watching my Chromebook*
Why can't Stephen Hawking be a Rocket League car? Because he can't jump for an aerial.
whats the diffrant between stephen hawking and rocket league both of them cant stand up
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and Rocket League? You can't stand up.
What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?
Caregiver.
Robin's gay.
What do you call a movie with kids with cancer? ... Finding Chemo.
