Worst Jokes Ever

Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

I was lying on the bed the other night and my missus was playing with my cock, trying to get it to go hard. She asked me what's the matter? I said, "I just don't find women without hair very attractive."

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.

What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?

My big green pedo machine.

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?

Your mum.

What has 15 arms, 9 legs, 8 heads, and 12 eyeballs?

A mosque after a missile strike.

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.

Yo mama is so fat that when she jumps, the earth was shaking!

As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.

Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.

When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.