Why can't orphans stand Darth Vader?
Because he's their father.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
Your mother is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven when she died. jaja ur momma dead.
Why couldn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
Because she was wearing mittens.
My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Why did the people get a chicken?
To make eggs.
Why did the cats go in the litterbox?? To take a poop!
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.
People should stop making jokes about major tragedies. My dad died on 9/11...
He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
Why did Dad say no to the pool? Because he can't swim.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?
To get the ice cream for the grandma.
