Being an orphan isn’t all bad.
On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.
Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?
Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.
Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.
Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.
Stephen Hawking like black willies.
Why do orphans die when a tornado comes?
They don't have parents to protect them.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
Why does Spiderman only have 11 months in his calendar?
Because he lost May!
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
I got kicked out of a library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
What is one question on a tech test you should always ask before getting down?
What in the Robot!?
What is war used for? (put in comments below)
When you lock the door, but you realize it's a pull open door!
The toaster, otherwise the perfect bath bomb.
AR-15: Who are you?
Musket: I'm you, but from another timeline.
