GF: What do you think of our love?
BF: Count the stars in the sky.
GF: Aww... It's infinity!
BF: Nope. It's just a waste of time.
I tried phone sex once. But the holes were too small.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
If you drop something, make your short friend get it.
First date be like:
Me: I work with animals every day.
Her: Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?
Me: I'm a butcher.
I was gonna make a joke about Mexicans but honestly, it crosses the line.
You're just big and good.
Why can't America play chess?
There are missing two towers.
Your mama so fat the scale said "only one person at a time please"
Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.
(Like if you hate feminists.)
What's the best cheese in the world?
Dick cheese.
I'm so emo, my blood is black.
How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? Cut the rope.
When I wear all black, I'm not emo. I'm a rainbow, 'cause I'm wearing all the colors. #Science
Your moms' a whore and so are you!!!!!!!!
Your hairline is so bad, it's not even McDonald's, it's Dixy Chicken!
What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?
Boi Ling.
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
What do you call a train fall of gum. A chew chew train
Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.
Orphan: My parents!
Me: You know that word?
