My Jokes

My horrible life.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Why did my dad leave me? Because I was a disappointment.

I have a friend called Jakob and asked him, "Where my crackers are?"

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

I hate snow. It's white and on my land.

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

Your face with my cum.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

I'm happy that I named my dog "I Know What You Did." It's funny to see how much people get scared when I call him.

Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

Me: But you are not standing:)

A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other friend about what they must cherish.

One says he cherishes his family, the other cherishes his parents, and a man comes in, points at the chair and says, “I CHAIRish my Chair” as he pulls up a chair.

What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?

I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.

So one time this really rich guy’s son’s birthday was coming up. So he asks his son what he wants. So the son says, "Can I have pink ping pong balls?" The father asks why, and his son stays silent.

The dad decides to get it for him. The dad doesn’t see the son ever do anything with them. A year later the dad asked him what he wants. The son then says, "Can I have 10,000 pink ping pong balls?" The dad then responds with, "Son, why? I gave you some last year, and this whole year you did not play with them." The son, yet again, stays silent. The Dad was reluctant to do it but did it anyway.

Now a few years later, the son is now 20, and his rich dad and him have not seen each other in a while. So the dad decides to celebrate his son's birthday. He asks his son once again what he wants, and his son says, "Can I have 10,000 pink ping pong balls?" His dad screams, "SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THESE BALLS!!! I NEVER SEE YOU WITH THEM, AND YET YOU STILL WANT MORE. WHAT THE HELL!!!" The son, yet again, stays silent. The dad, though a little pissed, decides to buy as much of the pink ping pong balls that he sees and gives it to his son. The son is happy but does not do anything.

Now after a while, the son is about 30, and he and the father are more distant than ever. The father gets a call from a hospital telling him that his son could die from a disease that only 2 people survived. So the father goes there and starts crying and grieving. Then he asks his son what he would like before he dies. The son then says, "Can you buy me all of the factories that produce pink ping pong balls?" His dad doesn’t question because he is too sad to and buys him the only factory that produces pink ping pong balls. Then the doctors put him in a wheelchair and follow the dad, and they take him to one of the pink ping pong ball factories, and the dad says, "Okay, son, I fulfilled what you wanted. But what have you done, and what do you plan to do with all of these pink ping pong balls?" The son, ignoring the question, says, "This is magnificent. My final wish is that I stay here overnight."

So the doctors and the father decide to, and everyone goes home to sleep. The next day, everyone returned to the factory to find all the pink ping pong balls gone and the son. The father was sad but a little angry and decided to search his whole house to find pink ping pong balls but doesn’t find any, and they search the whole factory for the son and the balls. And soon they end up searching the whole earth and never found him.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside?

My record holding cucumbers, locally grown at my farm.

How many dead strippers does it take to change a light?

At least 13 because my basement is still dark.