My jokes

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"

The woman replies, "No, why?"

The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Son: Mom, I did the test and I have cancer!

Mom: YOU HAVE CANCER?!

Son: Mom, as my zodiac symbol...

Mom:....

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

My friend had a drink called Quick Start, so I said, "That's a quick start to the morning!"

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

My stepmom kicked me out of the house because I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex and gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

When my dog barks, he gets ruff.

When my dog starts to bark, he starts to get ruff.

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.

SOMEBODY TOUCHA MY SPAGHET!

"Sing in music lesson"

"I want to die, I want to die, I want to choke myself, break my neck and die."

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

I like my women thick, so if they aren't over 375 pounds, they're not stepping into my room.

My favorite sex position is the McDonald's.

Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!