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What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?

My penis.

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    • How many babies does it take to light up a basement?

    I don't know, my basement is still dark.

    A man (Ameenya Sheed) texts another man (Bob) and said,

    "Hi, I'm Ameenya Sheed."

    Bob: "You're not in my shed because I don't have one, but I have a garage. I don't think you're in there."

    My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

    My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

    Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

    That's the best I've done so far.

    So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

    And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

    This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

    "Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

    So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.

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    • Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

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    • Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

    The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."

    The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.

    What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?

    Her abortion.

    Person: I'd really like it if you'd stop saying my name all the time.

    Random Person: Cheesus! That hurt!

    Person: SERIOUSLY!?!?

    I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!