My jokes

I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.

Well, I don't have a joke but... I have a poem.

My dick is red, your pussy is blue. I... lied to you.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!

Your life? Wanna hear a sadder one?

My life.

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

I accidentally walked on the Lego Batman mask.

I want my fucking feet back!

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.