My jokes

I'm making a new movie, it's called "Veggie Tales." My star actor is Stephen Hawking.

When I hired a Asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong - I see he, so I climb up tree. He knock on door and she let him in. She talks to him, he talks to she. He undresses she, she undresses he. She plays with he, he plays with she. I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see... No fee.

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

Two sticks of butter walk into a butter bar. One says to the other, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" He replies, "Sure, dis my butter from another utter."

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

No. Eat my butt!

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

When my friend says I suck at something, I'm like, "U swallow."

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.