My jokes

Bianca: Mr. Doeken, even though I completed my test, you still said it was "late." Why is that?

Mr. Dowon: Bianca, for the LAST TIME, MY LAST NAME IS DOWON!

Bianca (🤨): Are you sure?

Mr. Dowon (😒): What do you need, Bianca?

Bianca: It's Bianca!

Mr. Dowon: Are you sure?

I like my vegetables like I like my women: forgotten at the bottom of my freezer.

Gina: Maryen? Karlya? Amber? Kristie? Why isn't it listed that she's here?

Zari: Your sister isn't listed in the meantime, just relax.

Gina: That still doesn't answer why she's not listed. I want her to see me!

Zari: Anyway, it will be time for your medications, we have the gixen and the Uiasends.

Gina: Do you know my sister's name?

Zari: Yes. Her name is Jalien.

Gina: Fine, I don't care!!!

So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"

My grandpa died to ligma.

Ligma balls lol.

What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"

I love to smell skunks, but I lick their stinky butt. It's delicious. My breath smells like fart.

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

After every line, say “I’m a man.”

I went to the club. (I’m a man)

I met a girl. (I’m a man)

I took her to the bar. (I’m a man)

We got some drinks. (I’m a man)

I took her home. (I’m a man)

We got in bed. (I’m a man)

She whispered in my ear... (I’m a man)

My friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: No.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because you are a joke.

Friend: Your life is too...

Me: :)

Friends :)

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.