My jokes
My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.
Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.
At 5 years old, I already knew how to throw paper airplanes thanks to my Arabian relatives!
When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?
My uncle was a priest.
He had a two-inch penis, but when it was in my ass, it felt like a torpedo.
An Asian man walks into a bar in Australia. The bartender says to him “why are you here? Get back in that wing wong country.”
The Asian man says “I’m here traveling and now I’m gonna attack you with my 40 gallons of fried rice I’ve had in my pocket since wa dinowar wages. #wingwong”
My friend and I got into a fight. I looked straight forward and said, "Look me in my eyes!"
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.
What did the feather say to his wife?
You light my day.
What do Nemo and my dad have in common?
They both can't be found.
Yeah, I stopped joking about 9/11. My jokes usually just ended up crashing and burning.
Scan my wrist for 75% off!
Me: "What are you doing??"
Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"
Me: "I don't know."
Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"
Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"
Don't bully kids.
What do you call a kid named Caitlyn?
My best friend.
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Orphan: My parents.
What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?
My donation to the orphanage :)
I have an announcement, Shadow the Hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife and he said he dick was this big and I said that's disgusting, so I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com. Shadow, u got a small dick it looks like this walnut except way smaller.
Dababy in my dickle trickle when eating my pickle.