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A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

One hot day a cow wanted some shade.

He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."

What do you say when you see an apple dancing in a talent show?

He's got some "sweet" moves!

As he threw the mechanical pencil toward me, I knew that if I didn't move, I would be lead into serious trouble.

Yo mama's so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out of the way.

Yo mama is so slow, when she stepped on the highway they had to order a crane to come move her from starting traffic.

If Stephen Hawking was in a horror movie, would he make his robot try and shout, "Aaaaaaaah! Help me, I can't move! I'm too scared!"?

Riddle: I don't move, I travel across the world, but I never leave the corner. What am I?

Answer: A stamp.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

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    • Two pedophiles are on a beach.

    One says to the other, "Move over, you're in my sun!"

    Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.

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    • Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

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