Mother jokes

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

"Yo mama so... Wait... Whose mother am I speaking of?"

What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?

A girlfriend likes a bad boy.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Your momma so slutty, she got banned from Heavy-R.

Your mum is so cool, she looks like a fridge. Quote: Jude Porters.

Your momma is so slutty, they hired her as a condom tester.

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.

As soon as I saw your mom, my Premature Ejaculation went off.

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

Some rules of childhood cricket:

1. Whose bat, his batting.

2. Mother called to go while fielding. Then the turn will not be missed.

3. If the Umpire's decision is not acceptable, the decision of the Spectator, Front Uncle, or Neighbor Aunt shall be final.

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

Yo momma's an ICE agent!

My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?

Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.

Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.

Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-

Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.

Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where’s Trump’s clock?"

"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

Your mother.