Mother jokes
Peter: Curses!
Jacob: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Peter: *Crying*
Jacob: Why are you crying?
Jacob: Whatever. *Leaves orphanage*
I took my mother-in-law out today...
I love being a sniper.
Mama milky?
Dad: Alive.
Brother: Orphan (fault=Mother).
Me: Dead on the inside but sadly alive.
Mother: Alive...
Wait a minute... I thought you were dead, Mom... Right, you're dead to me at least.
I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, I'm just a burden.
When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."
Spy: Hahaha.
Me: What?
Spy: Time to pick up your mother.
Me: Oh no....
Why did the orphan cross the road?
He thought he saw his mother.
"Yo mama so... Wait... Whose mother am I speaking of?"
What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?
A girlfriend likes a bad boy.
Yo mama so scary that the monsters have to look under the bed for her.
Yo mama so ugly that the monsters thought that she was their mother.
Your momma so slutty, she got banned from Heavy-R.
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.
Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!
When Sally was little, she came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, I can't believe it! Little John collects Pimmel at school."
Mom: "No?"
"Like in heaven?" said the mother.
"No, juice," Sally said.
My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?
Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.
Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.
Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-
Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.
Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.