Mother jokes

Why do orphans miss Mother’s Day? Because they don’t have a mother to give to!

What did Helen Keller's mother do to her when she was mad at her?

She left the plunger in the toilet, she put doorknobs on all the walls, and she rearranged the furniture.

Mother: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you follow?

Me: Leads a marching parade off the Golden Gate Bridge.

How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter is on her period? Her son’s dick tastes like blood.

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

"Yo mama so... Wait... Whose mother am I speaking of?"

What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?

A girlfriend likes a bad boy.

Your momma so slutty, she got banned from Heavy-R.

Your mum is so cool, she looks like a fridge. Quote: Jude Porters.

Your momma is so slutty, they hired her as a condom tester.

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.

As soon as I saw your mom, my Premature Ejaculation went off.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?

Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.

Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.

Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-

Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.

Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where’s Trump’s clock?"

"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

Your mother.

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)