Mother jokes

Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.

1273. My mother does not love me, nor does anyone, and my family doesn't either.

Orphanage kid: You’re ugly!

Kid with mother: Your mom!

Peter: Curses!

Jacob: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Peter: *Crying*

Jacob: Why are you crying?

Jacob: Whatever. *Leaves orphanage*

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?

A girlfriend likes a bad boy.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

He thought he saw his mother.

"Yo mama so... Wait... Whose mother am I speaking of?"

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

Some rules of childhood cricket:

1. Whose bat, his batting.

2. Mother called to go while fielding. Then the turn will not be missed.

3. If the Umpire's decision is not acceptable, the decision of the Spectator, Front Uncle, or Neighbor Aunt shall be final.

As soon as I saw your mom, my Premature Ejaculation went off.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

What is missing on an orphanage computer? The motherboard.

My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?

Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.

Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.

Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-

Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.

Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where’s Trump’s clock?"

"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

An innocent boy is reading through his father’s phone, looking at the messages and trying to learn things about his family from them. He saw a message asking for something which seemed strange, but ultimately the boy decided to surprise his father with what it said.

“Timmy, why are there thirty-five cats in the living room?” shouted the father.

“I was only supplying what you wanted from Mother!” replied the boy.