Morbid jokes

Morbid Jokes

Life Support

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Chess

Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.

What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.

Dairy

What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?

Non-buy dairy.

Drone

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

Wheelchair

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

Swear word

What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?

In the U.K., it's a swear word.

In America, it's a family reunion.

Chess

Why is the UK bad at chess? Because they already lost their queen.

Airstrike

What do you call a bowling ball that falls from the sky and knocks down all the bowling pins?

An airstrike.

Satan

I have a huge thought: if Satan punishes people who are bad, doesn't that make him good?

Penguin

What's black and white and read all over?

A newspaper.

What's black, white, black, white, red, white, black, red, black, then red all over?

A penguin falling down the stairs.

Anal

I banged a German chick one time. I tried anal and asked her to rate the experience. She kept yelling "9! 9! 9!"

Covid

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

Preschool

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.