What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
"Windows 10 shutting down."
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"
What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?
His life insurance...
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
Where did daddy cum in the bed?...
Everywhere!
Look over there, I say to a man... he was blind. /ratio /bozo /ratio
I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.
What do Nemo and my dad have in common?
They both can't be found.
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
What do you call a bunch of Muslims in a bath?
A bath bomb.
I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.
Um.
Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.
The kid with a gun walked into my classroom and fucking shot the teacher.
He pointed the gun at me and asked, "What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey, at least he gets free food.
When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.
If I had 10 dino nuggies and Jamal tried to take one, I would have ten dino nuggies and Jamal's head.
My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.
I always think that percussions are golden, but cheeks are brass.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?
"Can I have a bodybag?"
Why was the broom late? Because it had overslept.
