Morbid Jokes

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.

Q: What do you call white people on a black bus?

A: Oreo

Rock, paper, lesbians.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?

Ask Boeing.

I got rejected from art school today, so yeah.

Follow me on Twitch @EddyTheSurfer.

Son: Daddy, why is this red soup so sweet?

Because your mother had diabetes.

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

Borthwick's hairline.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."

So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."