That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house? A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.

Don’t you hate it when you do the dishes but then you realized it wasn’t the dishes.

“I had a great day today.” “Why?” “Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, ‘Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?’”

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death so we smoked his ashes.

whats yellow all over and can’t swim

a school busful of children

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke marijuana, Jack got high pulled down his fly and ask if she wanna, Jill said yes and pulled up her dress and had a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill now they have a son

cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancercancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancercancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancercancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer

Why did half the world go to hell? Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED (again)

my girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex and I said what’s that, she said I f... her ass, I said oh my uncle calls that shhhhh

my mom is gay

A father is talking to his three kids Kid 1: why is my name rose Dad:Because when you were a kid a rose fell on your head Kid 2: why is my name lily Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh Dad:oh hey Brick

Two nuns in a bath

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?

Timmy is dead

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”

son:Hey Dad why is my name Dick? Dad: Ohh because a dick fell on you when you were born. son: Ohhhhh so thats why im gay.

2 hunter are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and and hunter #1 dials 911. Operator: “911 what’s your emergency?” Hunter no. 1: “The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods fell asleep.” Operator: “Check if he’s / she’s (not assuming genders) dead.” Operator hears a distant gunshot Hunter no. 1: “What do I do next?”

— What did Micheal Jackson find on his bedsheets

Billies Jeans… He He