An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman, and falls in love with her. Man: Hey, cute lady! Woman: Leave me alone, you ugly two faced man! I already have a boyfriend. Man: Not for long! And then the man shoots the woman’s boyfriend. Woman: How dare you murder such a beautiful man! Man: Now you shall be my girlfriend. Woman: Never. And then the man takes the seat that the woman’s boyfriend was sitting in before. Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder. Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly woman? Bleuch! Woman: What’s it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men? And then the man orders flowers and candy. Bartender: We don’t serve flowers, or candy. And the man shoots the bartender. Another man can’t believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man, and throws him out.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Pssh.

What’s the difference between a baby and a mansion? I’ve never seen the inside of a mansion

What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.

A man gats kicked out of police camp after writing “Who’s that Pokémon” next to all of the chalk outlines

What is the difference between eating a baby and a doughnut

Babies are healthier

Q:What’s black and white and red all over A: a nun falling down the stairs

Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

Nobody likes that joke.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

A duck walks into a bar and says “Got any bread?” The bartender says “No bread here.” And then the duck says “Got any bread?” And the bartender says “Didn’t I just fing say that there was no bread here?" And the duck says “Got any bread?!” And the bartender says "You stupid duck! Or should I say d? There’s no bread here. Don’t make me say that again, or I’ll pin you to the wall with a nail.” So the duck says “Got any nails?” And then the bartender looks surprised, and says “Of course I’ve got f***ing nails. Can’t you see them?” And the duck says “Got any bread?” And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.

What do you call a deaf animal? Anything, it can’t hear you.

So I ran into my Specialist Doctor and he said “pick a star sign, any star sign” so I said "Capricorn " and he said “nah you got cancer”.

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, “Whats that?” the little boy says, “That’s my little red race car.” 10 minutes later the boy looks down and asks, “Whats that?” the little girl says, "that’s my little red race car garage.” So later that night the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage, She said yes and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage but it won’t fit. Down stairs the mother hears an ear piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor, the mother asks "What happened?” the little girl says, “We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit so i cut the back wheels off.”

If you shit in a church is it a holy shit?

Whats the diffrance between a pedophile and my dad?

At least im on my bed when my dad does it

How do you know if an asain has been in your house?

Your dog’s gone Your finances are done And your floaties

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation the man yelled. FREE DISHWASHER!

I speak for the trees

  • Trees whisper in my ear* They said six million wasn’t enough

Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands? Because he is DEAD.

My sister boyfriend is mad because I f...ed his girl.