Morbid jokes
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
What's the difference between a white kid and a computer?
The child has no trouble shooting.
"Just say no to drugs!"
Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
I like my women like I like my microwaves.
Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.
What is the scariest thing you'll ever see in your life? James Charles thinking he has rights.
What is the difference between the rook and the bishop? The rook goes straight, while the bishop moves diagonally.
Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Like if you like school (I mean if you don't)!
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
How did Protestants perform in the 16th century? Well done.
What do you call gun ammunition made out of human babies?
Project-childs.
(Projectiles)