Morbid jokes

That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

What do you call a snail without a shell?

Dead.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.

Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.

When the school shooter kills the teacher and the autistic kid declares communism

Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW

Why do orphans play GTA? Cause they wanna feel wanted.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.

What is burned dark and glued to the wall?

A bad electrician.

What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?

They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

What is the pedophile's favorite shoe?

White vans.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.

Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?

He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.