Morbid jokes

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone.

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

What do you call a stalker stalking himself? A narcissist.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

What do you call a deaf animal?

Anything, it can't hear you.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.

Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

What do you call a snail without a shell?

Dead.

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.

Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.

When the school shooter kills the teacher and the autistic kid declares communism

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

Why do orphans play GTA? Cause they wanna feel wanted.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.