What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.
What do you call it if your mom is a guy and ur dad is a woman?
Transparent
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make sour patch kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make sour patch kids
Daughter: Oh that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID. Son (in a happy tone): I know. Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad? Son: Well yesterday you told me to spread positivity.
The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.
Last halloween i went dressed as a woman. When i rang the doorbell an elderly woman opened and i made grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands. She immediately called the police and told them excactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First he asked are your parents here and i said nothing. Concerned by my answer he then asked if i was ok so i said nothing. He asked me what my name and i responded, "Hellen Keller.
You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.
Apparently describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.
my brother wanted to go fishing i told him he had to learn how to master bait go look it up on youtube guess who is grounded
In life it’s either Yeet or get beat and I clearly failed yeeting as a child as my dad beat me
Teenager: OMG, I’m prego, my moms gonna kill me Baby: Lmao, same
How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.
Parents: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage, Kid: why? Parents: so you don't get bored there
why wasn't the infant's entire body found
because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself. Everyone else in the minefield...
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.
If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety
Help me....
I once saw a one handed man in a second hand store. I said to him: "i don't think they have what you're looking for sir"
