Morbid jokes
What do you call a train with bubble gum?
A chew chew train.
Oh man, I'm depressed.
What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?
Finger-food.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
Where do suicide bombers go?... Everywhere.
If a white cop had a black dick, would he beat it to death?
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.
The emo kid tried to high five the tree.
But the tree left him hanging.
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
What was Hitler's lucky number?
Nein.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?
Showing them the ropes.
So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
What's a lesbian's favorite sport? Dodgeball.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.