Morbid jokes
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
What’s similar between the twin towers and Kobe Bryant?
They both can crash down.
A man comes into the pharmacy to get a flu shot. The pharmacy nurse prepares one of the shots. The man gets the shot, and the nurse cleans the shot area.
The next day, the man comes back and gets another shot. Before he paid, the nurse said, “Don’t you realize if you get another shot you may die from overdose?” The man said, “Don’t you realize if you don’t shut up I’ll give you a shot of lead?” The nurse got scared and quit her job.
The nurse was relaxing, looking for a vacation to book, when all of a sudden she hears an odd noise. It sounds like someone cocking a gun. The man was hiding behind the nurses bushes. “In return for you giving me shots, here are yours,” said the man as he was chuckling like a psycho. The man shot the nurse in the leg so she couldn’t escape, then he shot her left hand, which is the lady’s dominant hand, so she couldn’t call the cops. For the finishing move, the man curb stomped the fucking life out of her until her head was as flat as paper.
9 years later......
All along, this man, this psycho, escaped a mental hospital. He went on mass genocide, killing 20,000 people in just 3 years. This man is more than human, more than alien, more than god himself. It was Satan reborn.
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.
What is the best part of twenty-one year olds?
There's twenty of them.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar, just kidding.
I hit my friend.
He's dead now.
What do you call a swearing piece of shit?
Cus-turd.
Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?
Because he fell off his wheelchair.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
What died on 9/11? 2,996 people.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
GET IN THE VAN!!
I went to the park full of black men. I ended up fucking 'em all.
A chopper full of white people is also called a helicopter.
A chopper full of black people is called a hellacopter.