Morbid jokes
I am sick and tired of horror movies; it is always the stupid ones that die first. When you see a guy in a dark, bloody coat and a knife, he ain't there to just look at yah run; don't scream, run!
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
No?
Because it hasn't come out yet.
Whats the difference between NASA and religion
NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers
A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.
Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."
Aren't paraplegics just plegics that can fly?
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
People say that they miss xxxtentacion, like the bullet didn’t.
If 7 8 9, why was 10 scared?
Because he was between 9 11.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
How did Princess Diana cross the road?
Through the windshield!
The mom: "Where did Timmy go after exploring that minefield across the road, honey?"
The dad: "Everywhere."
What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The first is easier to bury.
What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?
He always needs a hand.
What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"
I said, "Making holy water."
She said, "How are you making holy water?"
I'm boiling the hell out of it.
All of them.
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.