Morbid jokes

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?

The wheelchair.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

All of them.

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

Where are the others?

They're in his freezer.

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?

She wanted to be for sure for sure!

I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.

Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, they have a British accent.

Hey, wanna hear a racist joke?

Donald Trump.

I made a website for orphans.

It has no home page.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?

Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.

Dark jokes are like Antarctica.

They're cold.

What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?

Reload... chhchhhh.