Morbid jokes

What's the difference between a submarine and Madeline McCann?

They are both full of seamen and at the bottom of the sea.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

So, three guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank.

The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man.

The second one goes for his uncle's vault because screw that son of a b***h; he’s rich, why does he need all the money? But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephew's neck.

The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought, “Well, that b***h can suck my d**k; she’s so poor anyway, who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness?” So he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day, the third guy's ex showed up to his house and said, “I’m gonna f*****g murder you,” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house.

In hell, the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked, “You know, I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house, why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said, “B***h, I don’t know, maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already.”

A young girl was playing in the park with her mother when she asked the question, "Mummy, what's that building over there?" The mother looked at the prison, smiled, and said, "That's where the cotton pickers live."

What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing...

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Hey anime girl, I hope you know that Jayden is a boy and we got back together.

Hahahaha, you never had a chance, so hahahaha!

Why can't orphans see all these jokes on this website that we're posting?

'Cause they don't know where the home page is.

I can’t hang out with an emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply.

What's so bad about 9 divided by 11?

What should I write a joke about? Name the subject, and I’ll make a joke about it.

A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"

Three Indians get captured by an enemy leader, and the leader says, "Go in the woods and find 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first one comes back with apples. The enemy leader says, "Shove them up your butt and don't make a sound, or I will kill you." He gets to two and yells. The leader kills him. He goes up to heaven.

The second guy comes back and has grapes. He gets to 9 and laughs. The leader kills him. He goes to heaven.

The first guy asks the second guy why he laughed, saying he had it in the bag. The second guy said he saw the third guy carrying pineapples.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

I go to the shop and buy 2 pints of kimo.

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.

Two of my grandpas died in WW2.

Their tower fell over.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

What's the best thing about f*cking twenty-eight-year-olds?

There's twenty of them.

What do you do when your baby starts screaming?

Use more lube.