Morbid jokes
My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.
So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
What do you call it when you have two Indians, one Black, and a fat White?
A s'more.
Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
Why can’t Asians play baseball?
Because they can’t see the ball.
Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!
I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.
*I was actually up all night watching.*
What does it take to paint a wall red? Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.
I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.
Son: Where's grandma?
"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because it's extinct.
Why did Aaron's dad beat him? Because he tensed his ass.
So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.
What is Alan Turing's reincarnation doing?
Getting revenge for what some people said about him being gay.
Joe Biden
What's the worst thing about eating a shaved pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.