Morbid jokes
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?
Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
I am cool.
Hahahahahahaha!
What goes pop pop sizzle sizzle?
Two dead babies in an acid bath.
I like my women like I like my chocolate.
Edible.
Me, my brother, and my dad.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?
A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.
What do you call an Indian lesbian? Minge-eater.
It ain't always having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.
Why can't you trust the atom? 'Cause they make up everything.
A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?
Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?
Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."