Morbid jokes
Hi, my name isn't Pi.
Look up at the sky and wonder why.
Why are you alive?
What's yellow and can't swim? My mom on Halloween.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.
Welcome to codi's pizzeria and abortion clinic; your loss is our sauce!
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.
When a white person says the n word,
black people: "Y'all mother fu...rs ain't gonna believe dis shit."
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?
A young 38 year old happy Muslim migrant living in Sydney wants to wed a beautiful young bride. He asks the local Aussie the minimum age to wed his yet unchosen bride. "Eighteen," the Aussie says, sipping a beer. "She has to be Eighteen."
Okay, the Muslim man sighed, with disappointment and walks off. Next day he arrives with a 13 year old girl.
"Wtf are you doing?" Aussie says?
"You say this is okay," Muslim replied. "Fuck no, she must be at least Eighteen you sick bastard," says Aussie, flicking away his Winnie Blue cigarette. Muslim man leaves angrily.
Next day Happy Muslim settles on a 14 year old girl from Punchbowl to be his bride. Aussies jaw drops, "What is wrong with you mate?" asks Aussie.
Muslim man replies "You tell me to choose 'a teen', 'a teen', I chose a teen and now you come for my third and now fourth choice. Fuck you!"
Aussie: "Eighteen not 'a teen' you sick mongrel."
I invited my friend with a vasectomy to a party.
Unfortunately, he couldn't come.
What do you call Greg in your class? Obese.
My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"
No witnesses.
Guess what? I have a baby in ten trashcans.
What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?
Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.
I am sick and tired of horror movies; it is always the stupid ones that die first. When you see a guy in a dark, bloody coat and a knife, he ain't there to just look at yah run; don't scream, run!
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.