Morbid Jokes

When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Where did Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?

What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.

What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.

What do you call a group of emos?

Suicide Squad.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."