Morbid jokes
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.
Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.
My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.
Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."
My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.
My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.
I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...
What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.
What is the difference between a wagon filled with sand and a wagon filled with newborns?
You cannot unload the sand with a pitchfork.
Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.
Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).
Me starts a cult just for fun... Just for fun!
Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."
Off the nearby cliff.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.