Morbid jokes

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

I bought an anti-bullying wristband. I say I bought it; I stole it off a fat ginger kid.

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?

She can't identify you.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

Help me...

What did one orphan say to the other?

"GET IN THE BATMOBILE, ROBIN!"

Brits don't exist. Mummies can't have kids.

When rejected:

That's ok, the 3 other little pigs said no, too.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last year, and it is still printing.

I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔

What's worse than ten babies nailed to one tree?

One baby nailed to ten trees.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

Why are Japanese people's eyes so squinted?

Do you know how bright an atomic bomb is?