Morbid jokes
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
What do you call an orphan that sings a solo?
Q: Wanna see something funny?
A: Sure.
*bomb Florida*
My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.
Joe Biden
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
You. You're a joke.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete laughed up.
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
I bought an anti-bullying wristband. I say I bought it; I stole it off a fat ginger kid.
Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.
What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?
She can't identify you.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
Help me...
What did one orphan say to the other?
"GET IN THE BATMOBILE, ROBIN!"
Brits don't exist. Mummies can't have kids.
When rejected:
That's ok, the 3 other little pigs said no, too.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.