Why was the broom late? Because it had overslept.
What do you call an opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
What type of shirt do kangaroos wear? Jumpsuits.
Why can't you trust the atom? 'Cause they make up everything.
What is something that smells yuck? 🤮
Old bus seats.
What is a tree that does not exist?
A money tree.
When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
School was fun, but it was hard, almost like riding a bike that’s on fire and the grounds on fire and everything’s on fire because it’s hell.
What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."
There was a kidnapping, but he woke up.
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!
Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.
