Money jokes

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?

A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.

What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?

A panhandler.

Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.

Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.

Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"

Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.

Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

If you give a prostitute money, you will go to jail, but if you give a prostitute a Klondike bar, you will not go to jail. I would rather go to the casino and get more money for my buck.

I was walking down the street when I saw this dude just vibing. He was telling every guy that walked by if his dick was bigger than theirs, they have to give him 50 bucks.

Long story short, I walked away with 100 bucks that day.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Say "Mike Wizowski" fast to a teenager and I will get you $100000000000.

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

I saw a poor man and I gave him money, and he said, "Nope, I don't need money." So I gave him money, and he punched me for no reason.

So today an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... Hhah.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

A: Guess what kind of men/women do gold diggers like?

Q: One that has a sense of money.

Yo mama is so poor, she asked a homeless guy for money.

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.