Mom's jokes
I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.
(Male fantasy)
Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.
Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.
I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.
I got knob cheesed after your sexy mom was on top, dry humping me on the vanilla-coloured living room carpet.
You look like your mom and your dad had a child.
NEWS: A man kidnapped a 13-year-old girl.
MOM OF GIRL: The man had a shady face and a receding hairline.
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
My mom picked my major.
He huffed and he puffed, but instead of blowing the house, he choked it down with his mom.
Your mom.
Connor: Hi Mom.
Mom:
Connor: I forgot I'm adopted to 2 dads!
Q: What do you call a tsunami?
A: Your mom's water breaking.
My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."
What did the mom say to the baby?
My mom
Your mom dot com.
Mom, why was I adopted?
Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!
Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!
Why was your mom so into me?
'Cause she was the man.
"There is no way you can fit in there."
"Says who?"
"Your mom."
"When?"
"Last night."
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
Your mom is so fat, she looks like she ate the marshmallow from Ghostbusters.