Mom's jokes

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

Your mom! Oh wait, you don't have one.

Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!

You're gay.

Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

One time I was watching TV.

Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

Me: Omg, really?

Mom: Sike, I lied.

My mom and I went to a bank. Hard to say I never heard of it. The name is "Addison Banks."

LOL

Why does that kid have to stay in that orphanage?

He should just go to his mom and dad!

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

I told my deaf mom to be nice to the neighbors. She didn't listen...

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Fuck you you rwind my life.

What's fat and wanks over his mom?

Guy Sheppard.

Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"

Mom: "He got inside a white van."

Bubba couldn't make rent, so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead.

I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.

I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!

My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.

Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.

Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.

My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.

Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"

Your mom is so old, she turned to dust before Thanos snapped.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

What do an abortion and a baby have in common?

The mom doesn't want either of them.

A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.

The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."

Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."

So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"

The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"

The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"