Mix jokes
There were 5 people on an airplane.
1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."
"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."
The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.
The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.
The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.
Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"
And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought you can mix too.
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.
Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.
Kidnapper: ...
Your mom was dating a boy that had a twin brother, but she did it with the wrong one.
Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"
Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"
Why are the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered burgers, but what they got was plane.
What is a leaf mixed with mud called? Ligma.
Ligma balls!
Instead of Obama, it was supposed to be Osama. Pretending I got their names mixed up.
For so long, I thought I was a Gemini, apparently I'm Cancer!
What do you get when you mix a 737 and 767?
A 797.
Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?
Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)
Twin Towers ordered Little Caesars but they got jets.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.
The lady says, "Come again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
What do you get when you mix a redneck and spicy food?
The worst shits you'll ever see!
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"