Miscellaneous jokes

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

When I was young, I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back, except they didn't get back up.

Your momma so fat, when she stepped on the weighing scales, her phone number came up!

Sometimes I look in the mirror and go, "What happened?"

Why didn’t the turkey cross the road?

To prove that he was not chicken.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Robin.

Robin who?

Robin you, that is who.

I like unicorns.

How do birds pay? With their bills!

What is it called when 21 Savage and 6ix9ine fight: Alien vs. Predator?

What did the diver say when he was trapped in seaweed?

- Kelp!

Cremation: Your last chance for a smoking hot body.

I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.

How do spiders reach the internet?

Through the World Wide Web!

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

What would you call a person who hides in a house for 24 hours and then kills them?

Morgz.

Sara's Mom was helping her prepare for her driver's test.

Mom: "Okay, any questions?"

Sara: "Yes. I actually don't know what "yield" means."

Mom: "Don't worry, Hon. No one does."

What do you call vampire Matt Damon?

Bat Damon!

Mary Rose sat on a pin. Mary Rose!

Dick.

Your mum is so poor, she can't afford free samples.