Miscellaneous jokes
I first saw her in the Walmart picking out your drawers.
What does Donald Trump say when he declares war? Nuke them.
What does a pervert say when he declares war? Nude them.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Abajo.
Abajo who?
I have abajo of water with me.
What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?
A pool table.
Do you want to go to the pool?
Yes? Well, water you waiting for?
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird!
Famous last words.
Twin towers: “Is it a bird, is it Superman? AAAAAHHHHHH SHHHHHIIIIIIIIIZZ!”
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
What do you call a gay grenade?
A fragette.
Stroke victims are my heroes.
My favorite is Louis C.K.
Three blondes were walking on a path. The first blonde said, “Hey, look, there are deer tracks!” The second blonde said, “No way, those are totally duck tracks.” The third blonde said, “Nuh uh, those are...” Then they got hit by a train.
How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?
Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.
What did the diver say when he was trapped in seaweed?
- Kelp!
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
I'm dead inside.
Velcro is such a rip-off.
Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.
Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.
Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!
"Bippity Bobbity Boo, Boo Radley is coming for you!"
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your way into someone's pants.