Miscellaneous jokes

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.

So many bots commenting so fúcking fix it!

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

How did I know where you would go next?

Oh, I felt it in my bones!

Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.

I once did an exam on rainbows. I passed with flying colors.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

Play dead, they said.

Wasn't too hard.

I've been dead inside for years.

What do you say to a 1 legged hitch hiker?

Hop in!

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.

My heart is like a plane.

It crashes every once in a while.

Why don't you shower with a Pokemon? He might Pikachú.

Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I am really gay. I just needed to confess this.