Miscellaneous jokes
They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
How did I know where you would go next?
Oh, I felt it in my bones!
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
What do you say to a 1 legged hitch hiker?
Hop in!
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
Play dead, they said.
Wasn't too hard.
I've been dead inside for years.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
I once did an exam on rainbows. I passed with flying colors.
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
Why don't you shower with a Pokemon? He might Pikachú.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
My heart is like a plane.
It crashes every once in a while.
I am really gay. I just needed to confess this.
There were three boys on the top of a slide.
The first one went down yelling "gold!" and landed in a pot of gold. The second boy went down and shouted "pillows!" and landed in a heap of pillows. The final boy went down and shouted "weeeeeeeee!"
What is an astronaut's favorite part of a keyboard?
The SPACE BAR!