Miscellaneous jokes
What do you call a load of retards in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler!
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up!
She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.
So many bots commenting so fúcking fix it!
They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.
I wish my lawn was emo, so I would not have to cut it, it would cut itself.
Hi Trent!
Me: *looks at person's hand* This guy doesn't have fingers!
Random person with no fingers: Why do you have to point that out?
What happens when you get a virus-related sickness? It goes viral on Twitter!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.