Miscellaneous jokes
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley!
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
What is Julius Caesar’s favorite food?
Roman noodles.
What is heavy forward but not backward?
"Ton."
Don't let an extra chromosome keep you down!
When you see an "Autistic child zone" sign and say, "Oh! That wasn't a dog."
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.
Q: Why should you never invite an aardvark to your family reunion?
A: Because it will eat your "aunts."
Y'all wanna hear a joke? My life.
Curiosity killed the cat.
But for a while, I was a suspect.
Who is the biggest slut in the world? Ms. Pacman, because you give her 25 cents and she swallows balls until she dies.
Yo momma so stupid... weather man says it's chilly outside... instead of a jacket, she gets a bowl and spoon!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What kinds of apples grow on trees?
All of them.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?
They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
What do you call a load of retards in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"