Miscellaneous jokes
Stephen Hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged.
He also forgot to pay the power bill.
If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy, you would hear Stephen Hawking.
Play dead, they said.
Wasn't too hard.
I've been dead inside for years.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
I went to a muffler party... it was exhausting!
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
What do Indian hip hop artists eat?
Rice rice baby.
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time!
Why was the whale sad?
Because he is blue!
Science flew us to the moon.
Religion flew us into two skyscrapers.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.
After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.
I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.
Why do toy bears have small eyes? Because they were made in China.
Following your dreams is good... especially since you won’t have to worry about them putting any restraining orders against you.
RAID HIM https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZEAEVyTsAdnjawrdCkDu-A/videos
There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".
At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
Why did the bike fall over?
It was too tired.
Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"