Miscellaneous jokes
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
A microwave.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
How does Jesus make tea?
Hebrews it.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?
Dad: Because she was made there.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.
What did the skeleton say before dinner? "Bone appetit." His whole family found that humerus.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Answer: Depresso.
What is Hitler's least favorite month?
Jewly.
Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.