Miscellaneous jokes

Yo mama like a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everybody’s pants.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.

I lost at Kahoot, so I had to ka-shoot.

What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

Spareribs!

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

Sans: Wow, seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a sea-saw.

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.