Minutes Jokes

School

Anonymous

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

9

Nun

cynthia

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

Jesus

Mechanical Manic

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Puns

Your name (optional)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Little Johnny

馃枙馃枙馃枙馃枙馃枙馃枙馃枙

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents we're taken so her shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: Can I play with your bellybutton my mom always let's me when we camp. So the teacher says: Sure 5 minutes later the teacher says: Woah Woah Woah that's not my bellybutton! Little Johnny says: Woah Woah Woah thats not my finger.

Adoption

LABAN

Father: 鈥淪on, you were adopted.鈥 Son: 鈥淲hat?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!鈥 Father: 鈥淲e are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.鈥

Box

oops

When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.

6

Straight

Tonkiemars

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there" the boy replied. The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked "do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" the boy replied " "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing" said the pharmacist. That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. the girls father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "you never told me that you were so religious" the boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist"

Restaurant

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can鈥檛 believe what he just saw. He鈥檚 more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, 鈥淗ow did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we鈥檙e hundreds of feet above the ground!鈥

The jumper responds by slurring, 鈥淲ell, I don鈥檛 get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.鈥 He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn鈥檛 slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e really an a**hole when you鈥檙e drunk, Superman.鈥

Blonde

hartfelt.net

Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter鈥檚 morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.鈥

3

Little Johnny

dlm579

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?" Mommy xays, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play" A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter. Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so l she l took the sissors and cut them off."

Chuck Norris

Spooky monk

Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.

Old Man

An old man gets the call from the IRS The man on the phone says, 鈥渨e鈥檝e noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we鈥檒l have a chat about this.鈥 The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office and the man there says,鈥漇o we鈥檝e noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?鈥 The man replies,鈥漌ell, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.鈥 The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says,鈥漌ait. I鈥檒l give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.鈥 The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn鈥檛 blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says,鈥漚lright last chance. I bet you 50,000 i can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.鈥 The agent thinks real hard but decides it鈥檚 impossible so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agents desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, 鈥渉aha! I got you now!鈥 But the mans lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands and says,鈥滺e bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you鈥檇 just love it!鈥

Dark Humor

Anonymousgirl

-the emo went 2 give the tree a high 5 but the emo was left hanging - how did the gay person die? homocide -why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? he was cutting in line - when does a joke turn into a dad joke? when it leaves and never comes back -I cried when my dad chopped onions. onions was such a good dog -I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away -how is the person over there different the cancer? his dad didn't beat cancer

I hope u like this it took 5 minutes to make. what's_up also has good jokes to favorite him/her/them plz

Little Johnny

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her "why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?" His mother replies "to make myself beautiful Johnny." A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

Little Johnny

Anonymous

one day little billy came in pulling up his pants the teacher asks "Where have you been billy" he says on top of beverly hill a few minutes later little willy came in the teacher asked where have you been he says on top of beverly hill 10 minutes later little johnny came in teacher says again where have you been ha says on top of beverly hill a few minutes later a girl came in the teacher says who are you she says i'm beverly hill

7

Wait

Anonymous

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her and told her never to play with matches again. A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire and the house burned down. Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors, her mother told her: If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home! Little Natalie just cackled with delight, because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Hospital

Phil Swift

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

2

Marriage

Alan Horn

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in".

3

Little Johnny

Anonymous

Little Johnny is in class one day and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says what's so funny? He said I can see your bra strap. The teacher says don't come back to class for a week, so he get up and walked out. A few minutes later little Billy starts laughing, and she ask what's funny now? Little Billy said I can see both of your bra straps. The teacher says get out of my class room for a month. So little Billy got pissed he walked out and slammed the door, this scared the teacher and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up then she stood back up and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked where do you think your going? He said well teach after what I saw I'm done with school for a lifetime.