Men Jokes

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

Did you ever see any white men drowning in the Atlantic Ocean?

Yeah, it went on and on.

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

Yo mama so fat she got married by 20 men, but they think there's only one side of her! I tried making one of my own.

How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.

Why can't men play baseball?

Because no one can take the word "balls" seriously anymore.

What is it that gay men can't get from having too much oral sex?

Erectile dysfunction.

What's a cannibal's favorite snack?

Men toes! 😂🤣

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

One day Billy, Bob, and Doo Da went fishing in a small boat. None of them could swim, and they had no life jackets.

Doo Da suddenly started yelling, "I got one boys!" as he started trying to reel the fish in. It was way too large for him to get onto the boat, and he fell into the water. The fish had a nice meal that night. Billy and Bob were in shock but knew they had to tell Mrs. Doo Da.

Upon arriving at her house, they did rock, paper, scissors on who had to tell her the news. Bob lost. He slowly rang the doorbell, and Mrs. Doo Da answered. "U-uhm.. we...Doo D-Da..f-fish..." Bob stuttered, then he screamed and ran off. Billy went to go retrieve his friend. Billy had a nice little talk with him and slapped him across the face to get him to just say what happened. Soon, the two men returned to Mrs. Doo Da's house and rang the doorbell again. She opened the door and looked at the two men and asked, "I've been trying to call Doo Da, and he hasn't answered, is he ok?" Bob took a deep breath and took a step forward with a smile on his face. He sang, "We went fishing, guess who died, Doo Da, Doo Da. He smiled and he said good bye, we mourn Doo Da today."

Why do men midgets laugh when they run?

Because their balls get tickled by the grass.

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

You're so bald, the Hair Club for Men has elected you president.

Why is football the gayest sport ever? Because it's just a bunch of sweaty men tackling each other.

Straight men change their girlfriends like they change their undies. So, about once a month.

Q: How do you fit 4 gay men on a bar stool?

A: Flip the chair upside down.

Bro, I saw two dudes kissing LOL, but not regular kissing.

DARK ALERT********

A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.

DARK ALERT********