ME jokes

I f*** my dad. Please help me. 😭😭😭😭

One day I was eating a banana, and one my friend was eating in the balcony, so I threw my banana on his balcony. He stepped on it, so he got slipped, and one yogi was passing by me, so my friend's banana fell on his head, and he got a very nice shining half-eaten banana choti on his golden smooth head.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

A skeleton walks into a bar and said it takes "backbone" to mess with me, and if you try to insult me, I have thick skin.

A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"

I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."

Me: "I came home laughing."

Parents: "What's wrong?"

Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."

Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"

Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."

Parents: "What is it?"

Me: "Who farted?"

I forgot what lightning was. Then it struck me.

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

I was baking a cake when I saw some egg shell in the mix. I said, "You've got to be yolking me!"

Can you see me?

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

Me: So you two girls are from England?

Girls: Wales.

Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.