Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
Women are like Tornadoes
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. -- I didn't want to interrupt her.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world? -- Nothing. She's fine.
Why do women have cleaner minds than men? -- Because they change theirs more often.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
