Make jokes

What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."

Where do you learn to make ice cream? -- Sundae school.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

If something doesn't make sense to an Eskimo... is it counterINUITive?

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

I don't trust atoms.

They make up everything.

What kind of bees make milk?

BooBees.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.