Magic jokes

Draco Malfoy had a wand fight in the bathroom.

There was once a Spanish magician. He said, "Uno, dos..." and he disappeared without a tres.

Guys, say "I love gape horn" really loud and you will get good luck for 10 years.

If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?

This guy goes to a bar and pulls out a little guy playing the piano. The bartender asks him where he got a small man with a piano.

The guy points outside to a genie granting people wishes. The bartender runs out and 1 million ducks appear.

The bartender yells at the genie saying, “Are you fucking deaf? I asked for 1 million bucks, not 1 million bucks!”

The guy from the bar says, “No shit! You think I really asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

What’s an orphan’s favorite cereal?

Because it’s the only magical string in his life.

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.

A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.

The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.

The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.

The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"

The bartender agrees without hesitation.

The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.

"WTF!" the man shouts.

The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"

How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?

Four fingers and a Thu'um.

I make weed disappear, what's your superpower?

If an Indian had powers, it would be throwing tika masala.

What is a dirty minded Harry Potter fan's favorite spell before the deed? Dickus Embigus!

What goes cackle, cackle, *bonk*?

A witch laughing its head off.

Everything is now so expensive in Africa that witches don’t serve food in dreams again. Am I lying? Okay, when last did you eat in your dreams?

What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.

Q: What do you call deaf Magic Johnson?

A: Hearing Aids.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Holocaust victim?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

Why is Harry Potter an orphan's favorite character?

Because Harry Potter has no parents, so it’s relatable.

Your hairline sucks; even Harry Potter could not put it under a spell to turn it back to order.