Magic jokes

There was once a Spanish magician. He said, "Uno, dos..." and he disappeared without a tres.

Guys, say "I love gape horn" really loud and you will get good luck for 10 years.

I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish not to die a virgin.

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality!

This guy goes to a bar and pulls out a little guy playing the piano. The bartender asks him where he got a small man with a piano.

The guy points outside to a genie granting people wishes. The bartender runs out and 1 million ducks appear.

The bartender yells at the genie saying, “Are you fucking deaf? I asked for 1 million bucks, not 1 million bucks!”

The guy from the bar says, “No shit! You think I really asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

What’s an orphan’s favorite cereal?

Because it’s the only magical string in his life.

They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.

A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.

The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.

The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.

The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"

The bartender agrees without hesitation.

The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.

"WTF!" the man shouts.

The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"

Why doesn't Voldemort have a human nose?

Because his snake bit it off!

How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?

Four fingers and a Thu'um.

If an Indian had powers, it would be throwing tika masala.

I make weed disappear, what's your superpower?

What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.

What goes cackle, cackle, *bonk*?

A witch laughing its head off.

What is a dirty minded Harry Potter fan's favorite spell before the deed? Dickus Embigus!

Everything is now so expensive in Africa that witches don’t serve food in dreams again. Am I lying? Okay, when last did you eat in your dreams?

Q: What do you call deaf Magic Johnson?

A: Hearing Aids.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Holocaust victim?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

Your hairline sucks; even Harry Potter could not put it under a spell to turn it back to order.