I find that a lot of butts CRACK me up.
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you a lot!
I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.
Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.
A: Is that why I never see you sweat?
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
Put them in a barking lot!
What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"
Guess why a lot of orphans were in "Home Alone"? Because their family left them.
What’s the difference between a normal kid and an Emo?
When you feel an Emo's arm, there’s lots of texture! Feels great, too!
Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?
Q: What do a blond girl and a tornado have in common? A: There's a lot of blowing and sucking, then you lose your house.
My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
There are more genders than there are cars in a Walmart parking lot.
Deaf people suck lots of dicks.
They can't hear!
