Lot jokes
Dark humor is a lot like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
What do you call a Navajo with a lot of cash?
Johnny Cash.
What's the difference between a square peg in a round hole and a kilo of lard?
One's a good lot of fat; the other's a fat lot of good.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
What is a lot?
Syphilis.
What does a skeleton say when it has a lot of stuff?
"I have a skele-TON of stuff to do."
How many babies does it take to make dinner?
Three to four; there's not a lot of meat on them.
The radio is a player—it always gets turned on by lots of different people.
A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"
When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.
What do you call a person that inherits a lot of money?
A millionheir.