Lot jokes

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

Do people live on the Earth 🌏? Yes, a lot of people live on the Earth 🌎.

The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

We saved a transvestite in a tight mini skirt from a tree.

I thought I showed a lot of balls.

Bird on the beach: seagull.

Bird by the bay: bagel.

Bird down south Philly Walmart parking lot: illegal.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

Cam likes to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee a lot.

A lot of people get mad at me for my bad jokes. I always thought they were punderful.

A hot woman called "Jessie" was showering when the phone rang.

Jessie was upset because the phone wouldn't stop ringing, and she goes out naked from the bathroom to answer the phone in the hall.

Jessie on the phone: 《Hello? 》

The one on the phone: 《Oh hi, I'm Jeff, I just wanted to tell you don't go out from your bathroom naked next time because my brother is behind you right now trying to rape you.》

Jessie: 《Stop it my sister! This is the 10th time you do this cringe joke! It gets boring!》

But sadly it wasn't a joke, and she cried a lot that night and learned how not to go out naked from the bathroom again.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Yo momma so fat, she made up of a lot of atoms.

Why does the heart listen to music a lot?

Because it loves feeling the beat.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

Papyrus: You are so lazy, Sans!

Sans: Call me what you want. I got THICK SKIN!

Papyrus: Another bad joke and I'm finished with him!!

Frisk: HAHAHA

Papyrus: We are monsters. The awfulest kind!

Sans: To mess with us takes a lot of SPINE!!!

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Did you hear about the volcano that was accepted into Cambridge?

It was a decision on the number of degrees it holds, which is a lot, because volcanoes have lava if they're active. And ours was.

Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?

Yeah, they're pretty holey.

Mozart doesn't care if Bach is better than him; at least he puts a lot of emotion [into his music and] he makes people happy.

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

So, I know that there are a lot of egg yolks on this website, and I guess I got beat to it, but I'm eggcited to say eggsactly what the eggs say.

I know I'm bad at this, but I hope you will crack up anyway.