Living jokes
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
My will to live.
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.
Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.
Fuck you, German kids, especially [those who are] alive.
what the earth would look live after a year of the moon slowing down:
Do you know where Helen Keller lives?
Neither does she.
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
Why do orphans live on the street?
They don't have parents to put a roof over their head.
All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.
I threw a boomerang two years ago... I live in constant fear.
What do the Flintstones and the building next to the Twin Towers have in common? They both live next to the rubble.
Make a wish.
Kid: I don't want to go to Disney World, I just want to keep living my life.
Make a Wish Staff: Get the F*** out!
What do you call a snowman that lives in Halloween? Snoween!
Most controversial types of matter:
1. Dark matter 2. Anti-matter 3. Black Lives Matter.
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?
Because they hate their lives and want to die.
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
What's the worst living thing on planet earth?
Humans.
Mom: You can't die in the living room, David, so you can stop stabbing and shooting yourself.
David: I will surpass Kakarot!
Jordan: *dead on the living room floor*
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?
Sanity to live: I don't know?
Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!
Sanity to live? *dies*
Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.
Sanity to live: *resurrected*
Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...
(sponsored by jumping bridges)