Living jokes

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

Where does a French cat live?

- In Purr-is

OR

- In the Catacombs

OR

- In a chat-eau.

How do homeless people move where they're living?

They pick up their box and walk away.

If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?

Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?

Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

Do you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Yes, I know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.

They can stay in their living room.

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

Why did God create yeast infections?

So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.

A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.

Why do orphans live in an orphanage?

Answer: Because they are wanted there.

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

Bubba couldn't make rent, so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead.

I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.

What do you call a rejected guitarist who now lives on the beach?

A sea minor.

H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

*Later that day*

W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.

Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.

Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.

My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."