Living Will jokes

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People go to places to see Harry Potter live, but you can just go to the abortion place and see something disappear.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.

Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.

Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.

Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.

Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?

Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.

Police: ... Child: 😊

Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*

What do lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common?

They both live long with dry skin.

I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.

What is the difference between white people and Africans? The white people watch "The Hunger Games," the Africans live it.

I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.

"My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104."

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”